Ah, welcome to the 4th trimester (also known as the first 12 weeks after birth). What a beautiful, special, but trying time. The 4th trimester can come with emotional, physical, and mental challenges. Growing up and even into adult hood, people don't really talk about postpartum much. If someone was struggling, most of the time you would never know because they hid it so well. How ever you are feeling, you are not alone. There are other women who feel the same way you do. I want to share my story to help you feel seen, supported, and a little less alone.
The Physical Recovery
The physical aspect of pregnancy and postpartum was vastly different between my first and second children. With my first, I felt fully recovered in just a few weeks. I had 0 complications with labor or recovery. I thought "wow, this was so easy". With my second, completely different story. I had a difficult labor, and it took months before I felt fully physically recovered. Every labor is different; I just wasn't expecting it to be that different. If you are experiencing the same, I promise it gets better.
The Mental & Emotional Rollercoaster
When I had my first son, I didn't experience any postpartum depression or anxiety. With my second, it was a completely different experience. I was riddled with anxiety for months. I didn't want him to go anywhere without me in fear that something bad would happen. I would wake up constantly throughout the night just to make sure he was still breathing. And the depression? I cried all the time. I felt like I wasn't doing enough and that my kids deserved a better mother. I harbored all of these feelings, even telling my spouse I was fine when he sensed something was off.
I dealt with this for months on my own, hoping I would just "get over it" eventually. Until I had an outburst with my mother. I let out all of my rage and anxiety on her one day and I realized that I needed to talk to someone. So, I did just that. I texted the Maternal Mental Health Hotline (1-833-TLC-MAMA). This helped me so much in providing clarity and making sense of how I was feeling. It helped me realize that I should probably talk to my OB. So, I did, and we worked out a treatment plan. There is NO shame in asking for help! Postpartum is hard and you don't have to do it alone.
Breastfeeding/Bottle Battles
Whether you breastfeed or bottle feed, you will face challenges when it comes to feeding your little one. You are both learning together. With my first, I breastfed for 6 weeks and switched to formula when I went back to work. It was a hard decision to make but I knew it was the best decision for my family and my mental sanity. With my second child, I was a stay-at-home mom for the first six months and breastfed for the entirety of that time. And guess what, that was still hard. None of it is "easy". Breastfeeding can sometimes feel isolating and overwhelming. Make the decision that is best for your family and don't worry about anything else. As long as your baby is fed, you are doing phenomenal.
Sleep Deprivation
I'd be lying to you if I didn't say the first couple weeks were HARD. I was running on little to no sleep. If I wasn't waking up to feed and change the baby, then I was getting up just to make sure he was still breathing. When I would breastfeed him, I would catch myself falling asleep and that's what really scared me. One of my biggest fears during that season was that I would fall asleep feeding him and he would fall out of my arms (thanks, post-partum anxiety). Eventually we found a routine that worked for us both. When he finally started sleeping for 3-5 hour stretches at night, it changed my life. If you are in a season of no sleep, just hold on. It gets better.
Support
With my first child I felt like I had more help. I was a new mom and didn't know what the heck I was doing. Everyone was there to help out and pick me up when I was down. With my second, there wasn't as much support. My grandparents had since passed, and both my parents worked full-time at this point. However, that didn't change the fact that I still needed support. I really leaned on my spouse during this second post-partum season. He was absolutely amazing in making sure I felt supported. You don't have to have a large "village" to make it through this season in life. A supportive partner can make all the difference in the world.
What I Wish Someone Had Told Me
It's okay to not love every moment. There are beautiful moments and there are hard moments. Your baby isn't the only one growing - you are too. Give yourself grace and have patience with yourself. You aren't expected to know every little thing, sometimes you learn as you go. And most importantly never compare yourself or your baby to others. Don't compare someone else's babies' milestones to your baby. Remember, every baby is different!
Final Thoughts
If you take anything from this post, I hope it's that it's okay to ask for help. Don't hold it all in till you explode, because in one way or another you will. Talk to someone about how you're feeling and what you're going through. Accept the mess, the chaos, and the slowness of this season of life. Find the joy in all the little things and soak in all the beauty of the newborn stage. Don't let your post-partum depression or anxiety rob you of the specialness of the newborn stage. You will survive this. You already are. Leave your best tip for surviving the 4th trimester down below!
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